And so it started, so it ended. Quickly. It was over so quickly, and I didn’t even really get a chance to understand or know what was happening. Rather, the silence of one meant the end of the unit and confusion to the other.
Obviously I know that either things would work out or they wouldn’t, but perhaps I gave him too much credit. It’s not that it didn’t work out that upsets me, it’s HOW it didn’t work out. Only in Los Angeles have I had someone, seemingly so into me, just choose to fall off the face of the earth. All of a sudden there’s no response to a message, no call backs, no communication at all. And it hurt, because I think I was ready for serious — exactly what he’d said he was looking for.
I sent a text to him after a week of silence on his part, expressing how I felt, how much I’d liked him, and how I would have hoped he could at least speak to me. That I’d deserved a goodbye. It was the closure I needed to move on. And another week of silence went by. I assumed everything was over and that he’d chosen to judge me because, though we’re both Christian, his particular denomination isn’t mine. I wasn’t closed off to his, or even in a mode of thought that one of us had to change, but apparently me not being a specific denomination, primed and ready, is a dealbreaker. I get it, but I don’t. If our core values are the exact same, and I’m accepting you and what you believe at face value, and who knows, maybe I’m even open to agreeing with some of your values once I learn more about them, what is the problem? What I don’t like is being judged for the one thing that someone else doesn’t want to be judged for.
But then something happened that was so unexpected. After two weeks of silence, I received a friend request on Facebook. Still silent — still no message — but I supposed you could call it a communication. But what does that really mean? Does that mean “let’s just be friends” without having to say it? Does that mean “I’m sorry?” Does that mean “I like you, but I’m just not ready for serious after all?” All I knew was that I expected a message to follow this addition. I added him thinking that, surely, he would not remain silent. But he did.
I allowed us to be “friends” for about 24 hours, and then I just couldn’t deal with all of the unknowns. I deserved better. I deserved an explanation. How are we so close, cutesy, kissy, handholding and all, and then he won’t speak to me again? We never crossed the ultimate line, and he seemed so happy when I last saw him. All smiles, our breath marking the cold air as we realized it was a random 42 degree morning.
In a fit of self-righteous indignation, I unfriended him. And I messaged him to tell him so. We can’t go from where we were, to silence, to unspeaking Facebook friends. Far too much transition in two weeks, and with no explanation for what ever happened to cause our demise. It’s not that I’m against being friends, but why start out at friends if you’re going to give the other the silent treatment?
I don’t regret the decision, nor do I regret the message I sent following. I really laid out there how I felt; that I felt blamed and judged and at fault just for being who I am — a person that I think deep down he actually really likes. How I was willing to accept him as he was, and how I had hoped that this was something more than the trivial nonsense I’ve dealt with the last couple years. How I could be friends, if that’s ultimately what he wanted, but that I couldn’t feign it if he didn’t even want to speak to me. How all I really wanted was for him to speak to me. And then I promised not to send him any more ranting messages. After all, what is there left to say if he remains silent?
I get a sinking feeling that he was what I was looking for, and it makes me miss him, and I hate that. I hate that I can’t just turn all of this off, because he doesn’t seem to want it. He never bothered to see if maybe the things we were looking for actually lined up. He just assumed they didn’t and moved on. And while he may be the one that loses out (as most of my female friends would quickly say his choice creates his loss), this one feels like the one who got away.
He has this calm about him that I found so comforting. And I loved how much he could make me smile. But, I guess at least for now, it’s time to say goodbye to the butterflies.