Drawing a Line

Sometimes I think you hope that there will be more, even when you know it’s over.  Maybe because it wasn’t your decision to end things, maybe because you don’t want to start all over again.  There’s always a reason.

I think one of my biggest hangups has always been that I’m completely honest, and I expect the same in return.  I want to be able to tell you what it is, and I want you to do the same.  I don’t see the point in flowering words to save feelings, someone else’s or my own, because then we’re not really at the heart of the matter.  We’re skating around it.  I always come back to two words: be real.  In my last romance, I honestly don’t know what happened to cause our demise.  I just know it’s over.

I started blogging just over 9 years ago.  My first start was on Xanga, and then Blogger, and now WP.  Over 12 blogs in all, multiples are still in use.  I was grieving over the loss of someone very close to me — someone I’d known her entire life — my sister.  That same year, I lost 4 more people close to me, and I felt like my world was closing in around me.  Honestly, I’m still grieving.  Writing has always been my outlet; I always knew how to describe and myself through written word.  It wasn’t until I’d dealt with some demons through writing that I realized that I had a need to express myself verbally.  If I love someone, I need to say it.  I can’t hold back anymore.  I’ve lost too many opportunities with people I grew up loving to continue to hold back.  The cycle would just repeat itself, and I don’t think that I could bear it.

The one that gave me butterflies… There’s no question, I love him.  Even now.  He knows that.  And maybe he didn’t love me back, or he wasn’t ready.  Maybe I just wasn’t the right one for him.  I may never know, and I’ve accepted that.  Maybe we can never be friends or be close the way that we were.  He’s drawn a line.  At the end of the day, though, I just hope he remembers.  I won’t forget how I felt, or how I loved him, or what I’d hoped for.

Maybe there’s something better out there and I just can’t see it yet.  Maybe.

2 thoughts on “Drawing a Line”

  1. Hi. I came across your blog. I am sorry you’ve experienced so much loss in such s short period of time. I started a blog after I lost my mom to pancreatic cancer. Writing is my emotional outlet and has been my way of healing. You wrote about expressing yourself verbally. I knew my parents loved me but they weren’t ones to say it out loud. After my son was born I told him all the time that I loved him, even though he had no idea what I was saying. Because I started saying it, one day my parents did too. I still have a phone my message from my mom on the last birthday I shared with her. At the end she says “love you.” I wish you the best.

    1. Hi Kathy, I completely relate. Going through tough losses is so difficult, and we certainly need outlets. Writing definitely was what I needed to work through a lot of what I was feeling. If I could put it on paper, I could acknowledge that something was happening. I appreciate you sharing with me. Thanks for reading.

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