Do you ever try to keep your calendar full so that you don’t have time to think about the fact that you’re very much single (and maybe a little lonely)? I’m not afraid to admit that I do. Especially around the holidays, more than any other time of year, I miss having someone to spend time with. I miss cute little gifts (and big expensive ones too), cuddling up when it gets cold outside (though I’m starting to think there’s no such thing as cold in New Orleans), and making plans for the new year. I’ve filled up my calendar, made some new friends, and kept myself busy at work so that I don’t really have time to think about it, but I still do. Why is it always so difficult to find someone that wants to be there? Wants to make an effort, actually cares, can be 100% real?
I used to have what I called a dating rotation, but my BS meter failed me on several occasions, and I’m to the point now where I’m so wary of nonsense that I don’t want to bother. Each person in the rotation served a purpose. One was fun to go out with, watch movies, shoot some pool, etc. One was more of the “stay in” type for movies, cuddling, and well… you know. One was a total foodie and would explore restaurants with me or be my guinea pig on new recipes I was trying out.
You may wonder why I decided to date a bunch of people, but there was a real reason. Alone, each of these guys wasn’t boyfriend material. They were good for certain things, but none of them really fit the mold of what I really needed. I never lied or gave anyone the idea that we were exclusive, and I was forthcoming in admitting that I was dating other people. I expected the same honesty. I kept the rotation because I knew I didn’t want to fall for these guys, and what I had in place kept me from developing feelings for any one person. And it worked for a while, but I eventually wanted more. Just not from any of them. Maybe I sound like a terrible person, but there was no deception. We all parted ways amicably, one by one. And then it was just me again. And then I had butterflies… and, for whatever reason, it didn’t work out. I was so sure about that one, would have done anything for him, but it didn’t matter. At least not to him.
Though I’ll be the first to admit that I want someone right now, I don’t have the energy to start up another rotation. Maybe it comes from turning 30, maybe I’ve just decided that all of the BS isn’t worth the trouble of dealing with a few. I just want one. One that I can be dedicated to, be myself with, share and experience things with that wants to be with me in the same ways. Someone that’s willing to work at it, will tell me when I’m wrong, but who will also hear me when I’m right. I don’t need pretense, nor am I looking for an immediate fix.
I’m looking for real. Well, maybe “looking” isn’t the proper term… I’m praying for real. When I look, they’re never right. I assume that’s because when we know what we want and need, we try our best to make the person in front of us fit the mold. But they don’t.
Everyone says to just let it happen. Well, my white flag is waving. No more rotations, no more quick fixes.
If it doesn’t have true potential, I just can’t do it anymore.