Butterflies in Springtime

I’m not a sappy girl.  Not overly mushy, I don’t gush, but I still blush when I get embarrassed.  I wouldn’t say that I’m shy, but I’m very… aware.  But he gives me butterflies every time he calls or sends a text; every time I think about being near him.  All of the fluttering starts to build, and I’m so (internally) flustered.

As we get to know each other, it’s like peeling back layers of an onion.  With each layer, we reveal something new to each other.  Every time he tells me something new, the butterflies return to remind me of his effect on me.  When he reveals even the tiniest inkling of how he feels about me, the butterflies multiply, and he can hear my smile in the dark from thousands of miles away.

I love when people get closer and begin to find their rhythm, but I’m not ready to let go of my butterflies.  Not yet.

Far, Far Away

I try not to put too much weight on new situations too soon.  Especially something that’s long distance, where a lot of times you feel like you never really know what the other person expects or intends.  But then there are moments when you feel a flicker of something that makes you wonder what could be.

I’m not going to get all sappy on you, nor will I make some crazy declaration of love, but I will say that I have a strong like for a certain someone.  I know people are always saying something’s different about their significant other, and it always seems so corny, but something about this really does feel different.  Ugh, and I promise I won’t gush.

Since the moment I met him, there was something electric.  I haven’t wanted to take my eyes off of him.  What’s funny, is that when I rounded the corner to say hello and shake his hand, I think we were both taken aback by the sight of each other.  He seemed surprised by my appearance (but at the time I couldn’t tell if that was a good surprise or not).  We shook hands, and when I went back to sit down, he stayed back out of view.  Though he spoke to both me and my friend, he rarely looked at me, and I remember hoping he would sit next to me.  He didn’t.

That night and the next day, I saw him several more times.  We were both all smiles the entire time.  I was a little embarrassed at how much I stared, but there was just something about him that kept my attention.  I still don’t think I can articulate it completely.  It’s not simply a physical attraction.  Before we actually spoke, I felt like I knew him.  There’s this connection that we both feel.  But still, I don’t think he gets why I’m into him.

We didn’t really express anything until I’d come back home, but I think we both knew that SOMEthing was there.  I don’t think either of us could admitted it face to face.  Maybe the distance helped us work up the nerve, or maybe we just needed a moment to talk without anyone else around.  Either way, I just smile.

When I hear from him, even though he’s far away, I’m content enough to not even think about how far away we are from each other.  I just think about the next time I’ll see him.  I think we have great potential.

It’s weird, I know, but I’m hopeful.  I’m not going to be dramatic; I’ll just say that he was an unexpected, but welcomed, surprise.  I don’t know that anything will really happen, but I can say that there’s promise.

Stay tuned!

The Writing Process of L. W.

My writing process is more like a work in progress. It hasn’t changed that much since my first novel, although I am slightly less terrified of the process now, but it’s far from perfect. It usually goes something like this: figure out how long I have until final, drop-dead deadline, calculate how many words I would need to write every single day between now and then to make that deadline, pledge to start that very afternoon, and then procrastinate for six more weeks. It goes downhill from there. Once I’m actually seated at a computer, there’s always a white noise machine in the background, noise cancellation headphones clamped over both ears, a liter of coffee or Diet Coke or both, and an addiction to the internet so intense I can easily lose three hours to a single Google search of “Nicole Richie’s son’s name?”. It’s not pretty, but eventually I get scared enough to start putting some words down on paper, and once I get to that point, I really do enjoy it.” ~Lauren Weisberger  (Clearly one of my favorites)

Don’t Quit Your Day Job… Yet

I think it’s important to point out that I sold GOOD IN BED in 2000, and did not quit my day job until Book One was published, Book Two was written, and Books Three and Four were under contract.”  ~Jennifer Weiner

“Just Being a Guy”

Wow, from four followers to 59.  Amazing!  I definitely feel motivated to write.

I know I’ve really been on a relationship sort of theme lately, but seriously, why do guys do some of the things that they do?  I don’t understand the rationale sometimes, and I know women like to attribute certain actions to a guy “just being a guy,” but really?  I’d like to believe that men aren’t really that simple or predictable.

I don’t know if I just get too hopeful when I meet someone, or maybe I’m just not yet jaded, but it’s not like I create high expectations that no one can meet.  If we’re both feeling it, we’re talking and texting multiple times a day, and you start sending me messages telling me that you’re thinking about me, that I’m so whatever you think I am, et cetera, is it really that surprising that a subsequent silence would make me confused?

Yes, yes, you’re so great, blah blah blah blah, I can’t stop thinking about you, yadda yadda, I can’t wait to see you again, woh woh… silence…  really?  It’s like you’re putting in the leg work to seal the deal and then you forgot to actually cash in on the deal.

What is that?  Is that L.A.?  Is that one of those “wait for it” kind of moments?  I don’t get it, and I don’t think that I really have time to figure out the Rubix cube that is this reasoning.  I’m not one of those girls that will wait by the phone.  If I stop hearing from you, I’ll assume you lost interest and moved on, and I’ll do the same.  Why then does the guy get confused because I’ve moved on?  Am I expected to pine over someone who no longer sees a reason to contact me?  If nothing else, I’m a creature of consistency.

Some gals might think I’m giving guys too much credit, by thinking that interaction can be more than just a game, but I just know that SOMEone out there has to understand what I’m saying.  You worked hard for the deal… why are you walking away?

*Brief aside:  Yes, I’m a writer.  And, yes, I am currently working on a book that chronicles some extremely amusing dating adventures experienced by myself and by others I know, because sometimes it’s just too funny not to share.  Names and circumstances will be altered to save the dignity of all of those involved.

Refocusing

When I first started this blog, I think that I wanted this to be the end-all, be-all blog for me.  However, I just don’t think that’s me.  Reviews, and recipes, and books, and dating, and musings — oh my!  Too much.

Being a true capricorn, I’m feeling the need to reorganize and refocus, because everything has its place.  Trust me, I know how ridiculous and structured (and anal retentive) this sounds to have everything in different places, but it works for me.  If I told you how many blogs I have, you wouldn’t believe me.

I think that I really want this blog to focus far less on food reviews, since I already do that separately.  I don’t need to write book reviews right now — I’m trying to write books that I can publish!  Rather, I want this blog to be similar to the first one I ever wrote.  It was on Xanga, and it was purely an organic group of posts about whatever came to mind.  Experiences, observations, musings, dating, reactions, and diatribes.  Rants every now and then.  Maybe even my reaction to an amazing recipe once in a while.  But rarely.

Do you ever find that sometimes you need to completely express something that’s on your mind before you can really focus on the task at hand?  I know that I do.  And it’s so necessary, because whatever that thought is, it will nag at me until I do something with it — like a dull headache that lingers until I finally break down and take an Advil.  A dear friend of mine, way back from Xanga days reminded me of the kind of blogging I used to do, and how I used to really be willing to “go there.”  She reminded me how much I missed that writing, and how much I’ve begun to censor myself.  Well, no more.

It’s back to the writing therapy that I need to get out my thoughts and clear the clutter from my mind so that I can focus on whatever writing project I’m working on at the moment.  If I ever want to get these novels published, it’s time to get a little more serious.

Welcome to the mind purge of Simone Marrise.

Potential Lost

And so it started, so it ended.  Quickly.  It was over so quickly, and I didn’t even really get a chance to understand or know what was happening.  Rather, the silence of one meant the end of the unit and confusion to the other. 

Obviously I know that either things would work out or they wouldn’t, but perhaps I gave him too much credit.  It’s not that it didn’t work out that upsets me, it’s HOW it didn’t work out.  Only in Los Angeles have I had someone, seemingly so into me, just choose to fall off the face of the earth.  All of a sudden there’s no response to a message, no call backs, no communication at all.  And it hurt, because I think I was ready for serious — exactly what he’d said he was looking for. 

I sent a text to him after a week of silence on his part, expressing how I felt, how much I’d liked him, and how I would have hoped he could at least speak to me.  That I’d deserved a goodbye.  It was the closure I needed to move on.  And another week of silence went by.  I assumed everything was over and that he’d chosen to judge me because, though we’re both Christian, his particular denomination isn’t mine.  I wasn’t closed off to his, or even in a mode of thought that one of us had to change, but apparently me not being a specific denomination, primed and ready, is a dealbreaker.  I get it, but I don’t.  If our core values are the exact same, and I’m accepting you and what you believe at face value, and who knows, maybe I’m even open to agreeing with some of your values once I learn more about them, what is the problem?  What I don’t like is being judged for the one thing that someone else doesn’t want to be judged for. 

But then something happened that was so unexpected.  After two weeks of silence, I received a friend request on Facebook.  Still silent — still no message — but I supposed you could call it a communication.  But what does that really mean?  Does that mean “let’s just be friends” without having to say it?  Does that mean “I’m sorry?”  Does that mean “I like you, but I’m just not ready for serious after all?”  All I knew was that I expected a message to follow this addition.  I added him thinking that, surely, he would not remain silent.  But he did.

I allowed us to be “friends” for about 24 hours, and then I just couldn’t deal with all of the unknowns.  I deserved better.  I deserved an explanation.  How are we so close, cutesy, kissy, handholding and all, and then he won’t speak to me again?  We never crossed the ultimate line, and he seemed so happy when I last saw him.  All smiles, our breath marking the cold air as we realized it was a random 42 degree morning. 

In a fit of self-righteous indignation, I unfriended him.  And I messaged him to tell him so.  We can’t go from where we were, to silence, to unspeaking Facebook friends.  Far too much transition in two weeks, and with no explanation for what ever happened to cause our demise.  It’s not that I’m against being friends, but why start out at friends if you’re going to give the other the silent treatment?

I don’t regret the decision, nor do I regret the message I sent following.  I really laid out there how I felt; that I felt blamed and judged and at fault just for being who I am — a person that I think deep down he actually really likes.  How I was willing to accept him as he was, and how I had hoped that this was something more than the trivial nonsense I’ve dealt with the last couple years.  How I could be friends, if that’s ultimately what he wanted, but that I couldn’t feign it if he didn’t even want to speak to me.  How all I really wanted was for him to speak to me.  And then I promised not to send him any more ranting messages.  After all, what is there left to say if he remains silent?

I get a sinking feeling that he was what I was looking for, and it makes me miss him, and I hate that.  I hate that I can’t just turn all of this off, because he doesn’t seem to want it.  He never bothered to see if maybe the things we were looking for actually lined up.  He just assumed they didn’t and moved on.  And while he may be the one that loses out (as most of my female friends would quickly say his choice creates his loss), this one feels like the one who got away.

He has this calm about him that I found so comforting.  And I loved how much he could make me smile.  But, I guess at least for now, it’s time to say goodbye to the butterflies.

Potential

So I’ve started dating someone new, and it’s truly one of those things where I really don’t know what will happen.  He’s one of those random finds, so similar to someone I’ve been with in the past, but yet there’s something so different about this time around.  There’s potential.

I think that I always knew my previous relationship could never move forward.  It was always him holding us back; he wasn’t ready, and he didn’t know when he would be.

But with this new guy, there’s the potential to get really serious.  Certainly not a guarantee of serious — we’re not even in what I would call a relationship yet, but there’s definitely potential.  I don’t know who is more scared, he or I.  There are some major concerns that I think we both have, but something seems to draw us together.  He makes me feel butterflies again.

If this one can’t work out, I hope that we determine it early on.  Butterflies are wonderful, but if they’re all coming out at once, there might be trouble looming not too far behind.

Hello world!

I’ve been wanting to try out Word Press for a while, but I wasn’t sure that I wanted to make the transition from Blogger.  In the end, I decided to keep my other blogs rooted where they are, but I want to start something different here.  Here, the plan (at least for now) is to review, share recipes, tell stories, and hopefully make you laugh.  I love to use personal experience as the center of a good story, whether it’s funny or sad.  Though I wish every story could be fun or having some happy, laughable ending, the reality is that I feel connected to others through the good and the bad.   I hope anyone reading finds the upcoming entries relatable, if nothing else.

Happy reading!