Too Open

So when I last left, I was taken over with butterflies.  I couldn’t get enough. But maybe he could?

It’s not that we’re on bad terms now.  There just are no terms.  I don’t know what to expect, and I don’t think he wants me to.  Some might look at it as mind games being played, but I know better.  I think that’s why I haven’t really done anything to stop what’s happened. I know that he needs to put himself first — this may be the first time he’s ever done that.  But it’s what he needs.

He came to visit me.  Waiting for the day he arrived built up so much anticipation.  I think we both knew that we would enjoy each other’s company, but we both were prepaaring for the worst.  We had an amazing time together; couldn’t keep away from each other.  When he had to leave, I think he was ready to take a step back.  Unbeknownst to me, of course.  I was beyond smitten.

I fell, and there wasn’t any denying it.  But I think the difference between us is that I was looking for something before we met.  He wasn’t.  And there it is.  I won’t ask if there’s such a thing as “too open” or “too ready.”  I was ready, and he wasn’t.  It’s just that simple.  I can’t blame myself, because it’s taken me years to get here.  I can’t blame him, because he didn’t think either of us could have feelings this fast.  But I did.  Maybe he did too. But he knew enough to stop things, or at least put them on hold (whatever this is) until he could actually do something about whatever it is that he felt. Maybe.

All I know is that I’m getting on a plane in an hour.  I don’t know what will happen when I get there, but I do know that I wouldn’t object to having his arms around  me one more time.  If the season has ended, I look back with no regrets.  I was ready, I was open.  That’s progress.  There are still butterflies to be had.

Refocusing

When I first started this blog, I think that I wanted this to be the end-all, be-all blog for me.  However, I just don’t think that’s me.  Reviews, and recipes, and books, and dating, and musings — oh my!  Too much.

Being a true capricorn, I’m feeling the need to reorganize and refocus, because everything has its place.  Trust me, I know how ridiculous and structured (and anal retentive) this sounds to have everything in different places, but it works for me.  If I told you how many blogs I have, you wouldn’t believe me.

I think that I really want this blog to focus far less on food reviews, since I already do that separately.  I don’t need to write book reviews right now — I’m trying to write books that I can publish!  Rather, I want this blog to be similar to the first one I ever wrote.  It was on Xanga, and it was purely an organic group of posts about whatever came to mind.  Experiences, observations, musings, dating, reactions, and diatribes.  Rants every now and then.  Maybe even my reaction to an amazing recipe once in a while.  But rarely.

Do you ever find that sometimes you need to completely express something that’s on your mind before you can really focus on the task at hand?  I know that I do.  And it’s so necessary, because whatever that thought is, it will nag at me until I do something with it — like a dull headache that lingers until I finally break down and take an Advil.  A dear friend of mine, way back from Xanga days reminded me of the kind of blogging I used to do, and how I used to really be willing to “go there.”  She reminded me how much I missed that writing, and how much I’ve begun to censor myself.  Well, no more.

It’s back to the writing therapy that I need to get out my thoughts and clear the clutter from my mind so that I can focus on whatever writing project I’m working on at the moment.  If I ever want to get these novels published, it’s time to get a little more serious.

Welcome to the mind purge of Simone Marrise.